Sunday, February 10, 2013
7:43 pm
The fireworks, the lanterns, the festivals. They don't fill the emptiness in my heart. I wish I was home.
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Monday, January 28, 2013
5:59 pm
and just like that. after 2 weeks, the open is over. the one time of the year i wish i had operations hours, so i could go for all the day sessions and not have to have to contend with the millions that go over the weekends. that being sad, i managed to go for some very good games. the wawrinka djokovic game and the semi final of federer and murray. been pretty lucky this year. and then watching the guys finals with matt and annette at world bar. i love the open. and am very sad that its over. but you know wha. 3 and a half months til i head state side!
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Wednesday, January 02, 2013
1:29 am
Another year has passed. Another one filled with many experiences and a steep learning curve. As mark asked us to come up with the best moment of 2012, I struggled a little for mine. The best I could come up with was finally moving into hr. but what has 2012 really been like for me? It started off pretty well. I was pretty happy, despite having the black cloud of Chris' impending move hanging over my head. When he finally did move, It felt horrible. For such a long time, I had not felt that feeling of losing someone. I really felt like I was going through a break up. Add to that my health woes and i was probably in my darkest phase pf the year. I plodded along, not thinking, not doing much, trying as much as possible to not feel. Then may came and I watched lee get married-fun times, I moved into hr, Carla and Ryan moved away, Annabelle got promoted. I went to Japan to visit him, and came back much more fixed when everyone thought I'd be broken. All was good. In August or so I hit a wall and doubted myself at work. I was heading into despair for my skin. I was trying everything and yet, nothing was working. As the year started drawing to a close, I seemed alternatives to try to heal my skin. The social netball season I was playing came to an end. The party season started. Throw into that, new friendships with people like Peet, saying farewell to Jeffrey, the yer has been a tough one. But what have I learnt this year? I am way more independent and strong than even I believe so. I will be ok. I love my parents more than I say. At the end of a year where I had heartbreak and joy, I am more assured than ever that No matter what, I will always be ok. What scares me that I have learnt this year is that I pride my independence so much that I might not be willing to let my feelings go again, even less likely as my heart was trampled on.
My skin has been a constant worry of mine all year long. I tried creams, I tried pills that made me so sick I literally could not eat. And now, seeking alternative remedies seems to be my only route left and yet, I don't know if it'll even work. 2013 has to be of acceptance. Of the way my skin wants to be, acceptance of help, of love, of new experiences.
As I lay in bed at the end of the first day of 2013, in Bangkok, with one of my best friends in the world, I am thankful. Of the friends and relationships I have, of where I am, of my parents. I am thankful for the experiences I have had this year, even if some were extremely painful. It's truly funny how a year changes someone so much. I was it such a sad, sorry state the party season last year. A horrible Christmas, a lonely New Years. I am just happy I have moved on from that.
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Monday, December 24, 2012
10:57 pm
as i sit here in another empty apartment, on another quiet christmas eve (this time by choice), i think back to a year filled with lots. a year of good, bad, painful and happy. a year of movement, a year of growth. a year that has taught me much. and a year that has allowed me to try different things.
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
6:39 pm
It might be called growing up. Or perhaps moving on. Every once in a while, I stop to think how beautiful this place around me truly is. But in the dark of night. I remember you. The way you were. And I think of you.
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Saturday, November 03, 2012
12:02 am
Why am I wide awake? This has happened more than once recently. Some random day I woke up at 130 and couldn't go back to sleep til 4. Here I am, awake at 230. Great.
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Sunday, October 28, 2012
7:17 pm
I couldn't help but notice, in the last week or two, I have started feeling a bit worse for wear. It could possibly be all in my head but my stomach seems weird, and I generally just don't feel too great. It might be the doxycycline catching up with me. But other than that, I have been intrigued as well with other forms of treatment for psoriasis. I have been looking more on the web for answers. I am thinking more about it. Nothing has happened on that front. I cannot tell what my cycle is or what things trigger the flare ups. I guess not knowing is the most annoying part. And today, again, I am reminded that I am alone. Far far away from the place I thought I would be at this age.
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Sunday, October 14, 2012
5:45 pm
Never mind I'll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you. Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said, sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.8
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Friday, October 12, 2012
5:41 pm
you appeared. and then disappeared almost instantly. i watched your silhouette walk toward me in the dark and you appeared, seemingly out of nowhere. for a split second i was exactly where i wanted to be. for a split second, i was exactly where i needed to be. but just like that, you are gone again.
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Sunday, October 07, 2012
9:41 am
5 months since i last saw him, over a month since i last heard from him. i randomly have a peek at facebook and there it was, a message sitting there pretty waiting for me. an indication that he had come home for the weekend. and wanted to see me. i offered coffee the next day, he offered a beer, right now. it was just hours after he landed. it was the first night he was back in melbourne in 8 months. it was good seeing him. and just like the old times. conversation was smooth, he laughed, i laughed. he joked about a guy coming over to speak with me when he went to the bathroom, and nearly peed his pants when he came back and the guy was actually talking to me. we talked about the most randomest of things, including dust mites and bed bugs. we talked about netball, and fencing and japan. he asked about me, about my skin, how everything was turning out for me. we fought on the street corner on who would stand in the wind's way to block off the other from the cold. we hugged, to stop him from shivering. and we hugged, for it had been such a long time, and i think in some way shape or form, he missed me almost as much as i missed him. so here we are, another day, another goodbye, another i don't know when i will see you again. i felt no sadness as i saw him turn and walk away from me. i felt no real need to say stay in touch, even though i knew i would try at least. i felt no grief when i hugged him for the last time. i felt only contentment. that i had left enough of a mark, for him to have remembered to see me. for him to have chosen to see me first night he got back. funny how the human mind works in different ways. the last time i saw him, i would have clung to that memory, that moment forever. and this time round, all i wanted was to be there, with him, just like how it was, even for just that fleeting moment. the moment is gone now. and all i can do is smile.
save tonight, fight the break of dawn, come tomorrow, tomorrow (you'll) be gone..
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Thursday, September 20, 2012
7:20 pm
Four months in, this is the first real time I have questioned myself. Today, as I was forced to think of my achievements for the past week or two, I couldn't. In the last week, I have felt more defeated and deflated than I have at any point in these 4 months. I start doubting myself. I start second guessing myself. It's in the last day or two I really just want to cry. In the last week I suddenly doubt that this is where I should be. I feel like I should be doing so much more by now. I feel almost like I'm just existing, just floating again. I dunno what it is. Am I tired? Is my body still recovering? Am I letting myself get affected by my skin again? I wish my stupid problems with my skin were gone! I wish I knew how to control it. It's weeks like these that I wish I had pure control again. Control of my life, my work, my health, my feelings. It's times like these that I wish I never let my walls come down.
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Monday, September 10, 2012
8:15 pm
as i sat on the tram after netball, engrossed in my netball news, i suddenly saw a skinny lanky arm wave in front of me as we pulled away from the melbourne park tramstop. for a second, my heart leaped into my throat. for a moment i froze. melbourne park=tennis. lanky skinny person, tennis, it all made sense in my head and for one split second i thought i might look up to a boy i once knew. but alas it was someone else.for minutes after that, i thought of what i would say to him if i met him again. for a long time after that, i sat there, wondering what he was doing, how he was doing. suddenly he's in my head again. i'm happier now than i was then, thats for sure.but i keep thinking of him.and though i now think of things like why we din work out or how the signs were all there in front of me, it is still a constant reminder that he once was a serious part of my life and now, he's gone. with barely a trace.
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Sunday, September 09, 2012
8:07 pm
Today, as i walked past the tan and the shine of remembrance, I took out my phone to snap a photo. And then a few more. And the one thought that ran through my mind was "please. Never let me forget the beauty of this city." for all the pain and loneliness it has brought me, please never let me overlook the beauty of the vines creeping up the old buildings, the sunshine on a crisp spring day, the serenity of the tan overrun with the fit pack, the smell of coffee, the constant buzz of activity, the roar of trams, the unexpected visit of sunshine. Please. Dun lete forget that even here, trees shed their leaves in autumn, and yet I have watched them grow back in spring. I have seen this place bloom from a sad grey place, to the place I will always remember, and always call home. Melbourne, I love you. More than you know.
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Saturday, September 08, 2012
9:17 pm
Just attended my first fashion show of Melbourne spring fashion week, courtesy of grand Hyatt. Was fun!! Also got a random little message from a random little someone. Felt funny hearing from him. I miss having him around. But it was good hearing from him.
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Sunday, September 02, 2012
12:54 am
Funny how I actually have enough in me to think that I really should message him to say a million things like welcome home, hope we can catch up, hope I'll see him soon. Stuff like that. And yet I have that voice of reason in my head saying don't be an idiot. You should definitely not let him know that you know he's back. I mean what is the use anyway. He's in Sydney anyway. It's not like he's coming home to me anyway. Ever. So I might as well never make mention to a time that once was. Bells, a lot of time has past, and a lot of thins have changed. And despie that, quite often, I think of you and how, once upon a long time ago, it once was between us. I miss you. I do. And I wish you were coming home home. To me. Even if it wasn't to me. I wish you were here here, not here but not. I really wish you were by my side.
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Friday, August 24, 2012
9:53 pm
posting for the very first time from my new laptop. in fact, first post in a very long time from any computer at that. have been doing it from my phone.
its been a week since phaemie's wedding. She's off in japan on her honeymoon and its back to reality for the rest of us. her wedding was very pretty. all the white flowers, not the traditional roses or lilies. sitting in neat little jars of varying heights. the bunting, the twine, the rustic-ness of it all. everything looked so nice. her dress, his suit. everything went smoothly. everything was as it should be.
which leads me to think if one day, it'd ever be my turn. i guess for the past 3 months or so, since coming back from singapore and japan, i havent really thought much about it. i havent thought much about him,or anyone else for that matter. which might be a good thing since i really do not need to get myself into that same situation like i did with him. but at the end of the day, i really dun want to have to say my only companion at the end of the day is the television. i'm so contradictory. i love my independence. its one of my traits that i pride myself most in. and yet, i think that its one of my greatest downfalls. my unwillingness to let myself be the weaker party, to be taken care of. i have been so self sufficient for so long that i dunno, or maybe more like refuse the help of anyone else. its weird. i know that that probably is the one reason i have shut myself off from the world of emotion. its probably the greatest contributor to my need to be independent. it seems like a vicious cycle. i think some where along the way, i forgot how to lean on someone. i seem to have forgotten how to play second fiddle. i seem to have forgotten what it feels like to sit on the sidelines and watch.
i guess what scares me the most is that i might never go back to being as trusting as i used to be to allow someone close again. it took me so long to let someone near. it took me close to 4 years before i finally dared to let myself go. and to allow myself to be crushed like that? sometimes i really think why bother with the heart ache? as everyone says, we're not getting any younger. as i mellow down some more, and as i get more comfortable with my friends and my lifestyle, we start losing the opportunity to meet new people. and with that limited circle i have, it will become harder and harder to meet someone. i'm afraid that maybe, there isnt anyone out there who will, who can, take me as i am. sometimes i wonder where the sense is in all of this. when and where will i find him? when shall it be my turn to find my happily ever after? i might have said it before but while weddings are a happy occasion, it always makes my mind work in overdrive. thinking about life, about love, and most of all, where i am at. whether i am lacking, whether i am embracing what life has to offer, whether i am sacrificing one for the other. sometimes i think back to him. i really did want to pursue something with him, different as we are. i really did see something in him that i havent seen in anyone in such a long time. there was something in him that allowed me to believe i was safe, and to see a world as a happier place, especially in a time that i was so disheartened with work. i tell myself i will never settle for anything less than i believe is absolutely right for me. how long can i be such a perfectionist until i start feeling all alone again?
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Thursday, August 09, 2012
8:18 pm
Its funny how I hold on to everything just to make sure I never forget where I'm from and what has enabled me to be the person I am today. Today I say thank you. To Singapore. To growing up in Singapore. Today I say thank you to a punishing, relentless system that accepted nothing but the best. Today I stop and be grateful that being in that system broke me all the way down. And it's only because I was broken by that brutal system that I know myself. I know my strength, I know my resilience, I know my shortcomings, I know what my mind does to me. But it's also because if the system that I know how to step out of it and look at things from different angles. The tiny island country has so many variations of people and society that it never seizes to amaze me. The lack of choice for careers and the stigmas associated with many have made me all the more grateful for where I am now. Being away has taught me while I slowly let go of everything Singaporean, I will always know why I appreciate what I have now. Of course not all things were bad. I had a good childhood and growing up there meant I have friends for life now to always go back to. Growing up there means I know what I can achieve if I put my mind to it. Growing up there meAnt I was always safe, even in the middle of the night. Growing up there meant I saw first hand the sheltered rich kids, the down to earth rich kids, the sheltered poor kids and the down to earth poor kids. Singapore opened my eyes to how contained we are. How naive. Singapore made me realize that there is so much out there, if only I cared to look. Singapore, funnily enough, taught me I could fail and yet still recover. Singapore, in all it's hustle and bustle, taught me to slow down, and enjoy it while it lasted. So before you diss Singapore and point out its flaws every chane you get, just remember that once removed, you'll soon realize how much Singapore has given you. And I'm glad I have come full circle. 6 years on, Singapore will always be a big part of me.
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Sunday, July 29, 2012
9:06 pm
Why are you in my mind again? Why do I think if you and the times we had? Why can't I just forget you. After all, aren't you just somebody that I used to know?
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Saturday, July 07, 2012
11:03 pm
I'm having major outfit envy.
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
7:05 pm
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember
You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
8:06 pm
Today I felt an emotion that I haven't felt in a long time. Competitiveness. I know it isn't really a word. But today, scrounging around for a team at the very last minute for the amazing race, I knew I was going to run and do whatever to win. I was excited. I was pumped. I was enthusiastic. I haven't felt this way in quite a while. The last competition I've had, I guess would be the netball grand final two seasons ago. While I was excited to play, I let my body and experience take over. This time, I knew I wouldn't know all the answers. And yet I wanted to try. And then bowling tonight. I knew I was horrible. I have always been bad at bowling. But I had fun. And I laughed Til I cried at karaoke. I had a good time. I guess sometimes I forgt I can make a fool of myself and yet have fun. I guess some times I forget to just participate for the sake of it. It was good winning at something again.
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Sunday, June 10, 2012
10:51 pm
Today I'm missing you again.
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Sunday, June 03, 2012
7:41 pm
3 weeks in and it still feels good. Funny how when one thing starts going your Way, everything suddenly seems ok. Having been away on holiday, relaxed from everything, moving to hr, letting him go, suddenly there's a prettiness in everything again. Yes, I am more relaxed now. I'm not as angry, not as depressed as I was. And I think it all starts with the mind. When I decided life was going to be ok, I was going to be ok without him, I was getting what I waited so long for, nothing could get me down. Not even the increased dose of methotrexate. Life's ok being the new kid. Suddenly I have remembered how to slow down, breathe in the fresh crisp winter air and smile at the yellowing leaves, the ripples in the river, the lone goose swimming. Suddenly everything looks beautiful again.
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Monday, May 14, 2012
5:23 am
I'm home. After what has felt like a long holiday, even though it wasn't. My mind really switched off. And enjoyed the time there. My heart finally let go. My feelings settled. And I'm happy. Happy to be home, happy to be starting fresh. New job, new outlook, new hope. I can finally smile again. I can finally feel my heart beat again.
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Thursday, May 10, 2012
8:26 am
Not long to go now Til I leave this place. And say goodbye for the last time. I'll miss you. But I have had an awesome time!!
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
9:17 am
Oh yes. It maybe oh no, who knows. Setting myself up for failure, for heartbreak. And yet, No one can stop me. Not even that sensible little voice in my head. 2 weeks from now!!!!!weeeee!!!!
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Friday, April 20, 2012
9:36 pm
One year and for months later, I have finally signed my contract to start a new phase of my life. HR, Ready or not, here I come. I have not been this excited for such a long time. And before all that starts, I get a trip home. To celebrate another of my friends tying the knot but also to celebrate my Bday. It feels so long ago that I last did that (the last one would have been 22). Definitely, so much has happened since then. So much growing up has been done. I'm just glad I can still call all of them friends. Just like it was from the very first day. Everyday I get more and more excited. But it also makes me feel like I dun have enough time. To say goodbye. To sort things out. To hand things over. It feels like I'm leaving everything hanging in the balance. It feels unfinished. But alas, my time has come. It's time for me to shine. It's time for me to move on. It's my time.
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Monday, April 16, 2012
6:09 pm
Signed and happy.
Then you spoil it.
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
10:12 pm
Life's slowly, slowly looking up. Bit by bit, things might fall my way. Or at least, I can feel better about it.
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
Monday, April 09, 2012
9:59 pm
:) only you can make me smile.
the higher the better
what say you?
0 voices
